Here’s to the Secular Jew

Between the summers before 3rd grade and 7th grade, I went to Camp Ramah in Nyack, NY. Ramah is Conservative. My family was modern orthodox. Even so, for the most part, there was very little about Ramah that really shook my faith. Other than them being more lax about using the Lord’s name in vain (saying “Adonai” when not praying or reading from the Torah), and a little thing called egalitarianism, it was basically like the Judaism I was raised with.

Years later, I learned that there was more to it. In 7th grade, a rabbi told my class that we should not go to Solomon Schechter (Conservative) because they do not believe in Torah MiSinai (that is, the Torah as we have it was completely given to Moses and has not been changed). As an adult, I learned that this is only a half-truth. They believe that Moses did go up Sinai and deliver a Torah, but what we have today isn’t it. For many years, my rabbis showed casual derision toward Conservative Judaism and something else called Reform (I had no idea what they were).

In my high school, I had a classmate who was a devout Conservative Jew. He would bite his tongue whenever teachers in our school denigrated Conservatives. In fact, I would say that this man was a lot more devout than me back then. His movement, however, emphasizes those things less. While they discourage driving on Shabbos other than for shul, they know they can’t stop people from driving to McDonald’s after shul, so they pick their battles.

My current outlook on secular judaism?  Not for me. Once in a while I will engage just for shits and giggles. My wedding was done by a movement called Lab/Shul. I like them a lot. Basically, any movement that considers my wife and daughter (neither one Jewish) a second class citizen or worse is out for me.

Better a conservative than orthodox, I say. But still not for me.

Techiyat HaMetim--A Heretic's Approach

            For those wondering why the morticious title, I haven’t blogged in a while.  Today, a fellow kofer (okay, a rather celebrated one who will be shouted out in a subsequent post) asked why my last few posts had nothing to do with the title of my blog.  I actually don’t remember what I was thinking when I posted that.  So instead, let me devote this to one of two topics that have been bled to death by every poet out there; there’s enough blogs out there talking about sex, so let me talk about death.

            The year was 2006, I think.  I was taking a philosophy class at CCNY—Metaphysics and Epistemology.  My professor, a curmudgeonly old bloke who was old enough to have taught my father when he was at CCNY, was notoriously a tough fellow with no patience for stupid shit.  This included Z (name omitted, you fools).  Z was one of those students who basically was like what if Jar Jar Binks was a 6 foot plus Asian man. 

            One day, my professor said he doesn’t believe in Karma.  Z blurted out “professor, I don’t think you know what Karma is.”  The professor ignored him.  Z continued “professor, don’t you want to hear what Karma is?”  The professor said no, and continued on.  Z continued to insist that if only the professor would listen to him, he could convince him that Karma is real.  Finally, the professor gave in.  So Z explained “it’s just a fancy way of saying ‘what goes around comes around’ and ‘you get what you deserve’.”  To which the professor curtly replied “that is the stupidest definition of Karma I’ve ever heard in my entire life!”  And then he want back to teaching without further ado.
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            The above story just about illustrates how I feel about most kiruv arguments I’m exposed to nowadays.  But that’s not why I bring it up. 

            Here’s a fact.  Karma might be one of the misused loan words in the English language.  Plenty of us westerners are not familiar with the concept of transmigration of the soul, Dharma, Samsara, et al.  No, Oilam Haba is not Jewish Karma. 

            The second worst explanation I’ve heard for Karma comes from none other than Ray Comfort.  In his intro to On the Origin of Species, Ray Comfort describes Karma as one who jumps out of a plane and says it’s okay that he doesn’t have a parachute because when he hits the ground, he will just be brought back into the plane inhabiting a new body (perhaps even an animal).  Comfort meant it to show how absurd Karma is; but a bag of shit labeled eau de toilette still smells like shit.  Is Karma really any more absurd than belief that only Jesus can save your soul? 

            I will say this.  I don’t want to end up in a Christian heaven anyway.  Sounds fucking boring. 
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            What is the Jewish view on resurrection anyway?  Like many other things, there seems to be no unified answer to that question.  There is a concept of gilgulim (resurrection), but at the same time there is an afterlife.  But even then, the Torah spoke of she’ol (abyss), and only in later sources do we see any mention of anything other than that. 

            I was in my late teens when I learned that Hell is a Christian concept, and that Gehenom is actually more of a purgatory.  But then, there’s also the concepts of dybbuks, demons, and other such concepts.

            Can one believe in resurrection, an afterlife, and neither of the above at the same time?

            It seems that to be a frum Jew, one has to resign themselves to believing all three at the same time.  Doesn’t make sense?  “Hamayvin Yavin”, “Eilu V’Eilu”, “Teiku”, and all those other things the maggid shiur rebbe would tell you to cover up the fact that he didn’t know the answer either.

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  This is just another one of those subjects that normative Judaism does not have a good answer to.  In fact, I will go out and say that other than some of those Dybbuk stories I read up on when I was in yeshiva, the Jewish concept is actually kind of boring.  Christians have an entire faith based on it, enough that some of their greatest artwork centers around that theme (if you haven’t seen Raphael’s famous painting on the Ressurection, what the fuck are you waiting for?  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resurrection_of_Christ_(Raphael)  ).

            There were many questions I had in yeshiva that Rabbinic Judaism just didn’t have a satisfactory answer for.  During my moratorium years, I wanted to have faith and assume that eventually I would find that magical rabbi who could explain that shit away and make me believe forever.  Good thing I didn’t hold my breath.  Because similar to my namesake seeing the child fall off the rickety ladder, I realized that the simplest explanation is the best one.  No, they don’t have the answers.  But rest assured, neither do I.